The holidays are a time when people get together to eat, drink and celebrate family togetherness. Unfortunately, not everyone has the kind of family you see on television; some families are downright screwed up. Here are the top 10 signs that your family is dysfunctional.
Aunt Carol isn’t speaking to Aunt Mildred. You can’t put Uncle Joe next to Cousin Sal because of the pending lawsuit. And no one wants to sit next to Grandma Jess since the infamous Sweet Potato incident of 2010 (don’t ask).
You had four bottles in the wine rack when he arrived this morning. Now it’s noon and he’s asking for directions to the nearest liquor store.
Alan and his lovely wife have decided that the “Free-Range” method of raising kids is best. Let them do whatever they want—it stimulates their creativity. You might want to lower the deductible on your homeowners policy before they arrive.
He joined a cult, instead. Now he’s holed up somewhere in a third-world country, forbidden to contact any family members of friends. Hopefully he’s meditating, and promoting peace and love…not drinking any actual kool-aid.
Your 45-year-old brother is living in the den and the pizza boxes, soda cans and fast food wrappers are three feet deep. And the noise blaring from the TV and Xbox cancels out any Christmas music your mom has playing.
Which would be bad enough. But these people? Are inside Jane’s head. You’ve already met Fred the Father Figure, Sally the Inner Child and Zoey the Free spirit. Hopefully Sam the Evil Spawn doesn’t show himself.
Poor Leroy. He didn’t really think that bank heist through all the way, did he? Make sure to give yourself plenty of extra time to get through the metal detector at the state pen.
By this time next year, you can be a millionaire with hundreds of people working for you! Just sign here, give Milt a check for $1,500 and start selling juice made from tropical berries only found in a secret region of the Amazon rain forest.
You shouldn’t complain about the nice gifts. But considering Samantha’s sketchy past, the fancy baubles are probably all hot. Possession of stolen goods is a crime, you know.
It’s kind of cute, actually. Until he tries to get you to sit on his lap.