The 16th season of Dancing with the Stars premiered on Monday with 16.8 million viewers. It’s a popular show, for sure. We’re not sure if most people watch so that they can see celebrities they love doing fabulous dancing, or if they’re hoping the celebrities trip and fall on their faces. Either way, it’s exciting stuff. Do you dream of dancing with the stars? Well… the sad fact is that most of you will never dance with Ingo Rademacher or Alexandra Raisman. Here are the top ten signs you’ll never dance with the stars.
Let’s face it, unless you have a gorgeous face, amazing abs and other… um…attributes, you aren’t going to dance with the stars as a professional partner.
You took six months of ballroom dance lessons for your wedding and you still screwed up the waltz. Who screws up a waltz? You only have to count to three for crying out loud. Obviously a tango is going to be way out of your league.
You still do the step-together-snap thing and kind of bob your head to the beat. You looked like a dork back in junior high, too, but at least you didn’t have a paunch and thinning hair.
You have to be able to do lifts on DWTS. Even those skinniest celebrities weigh more than 20 pounds. Have you seen Tony Dovolani’s arms?
We’re not saying that either are bad. But the combination of the two are a disaster in ballroom dancing. If you’re the girl, you have to let the guy lead. This isn’t a sexist thing, just a matter of practicality. If you can’t give up control for at least the short 4 minutes of your routine, you’re never dancing with the stars.
Sorry, you can’t wear your grimy ball cap onstage. Just an FYI: if you’re wearing the hat as a sad attempt to hide that huge bald spot, no one’s fooled. It’s OK—we can’t all have Derek’s or Valentin’s thick, wavy, gorgeous hair… but then again, we can’t all be on DWTS, either.
Are you that woman who wobbles and trips her way around the mall in stilettos? The rest of us feel sorry for you, but also think you look like a big idiot (seriously, just because you can afford Jimmy Choo doesn’t mean you should almost kill yourself just to impress people). On DWTS, you have to prance around the stage in three inch heels. Get some coordination, or give up the dream.
If you’re going to do a steamy samba, you have to perfect that smoldering, sexy, passionate face that the pros on DWTS have mastered. If you can’t do this without collapsing in a fit of laughter, you are not sexy enough for the show.
The professional dance partners on DWTS all have pearly white, gleaming smiles. With lots of teeth. Your mother told you not to eat all that sugar, but you didn’t listen… now you’ll never dance with the stars!
Your spouse has to practically drag you onto the dance floor at weddings and reunions, because you say you really just don’t like to dance. We know your little secret, though: you just claim to hate dancing because you’ve got no rhythm, no coordination and very little style. That’s ok—not everyone is cut out to be an incredibly gorgeous, sexy professional dance partner on Dancing With the Stars.