Today is the premiere of Man of Steel, a new movie about Superman, and the latest in a recent revival of super hero movies. We love our super heroes. Mostly because we like to pretend that we could save the world, too. Unfortunately for us, we just don’t seem to have what it takes. In fact, we pretty much exhibit all the Top 10 Signs that we’d make lousy super heroes. We’ll just have to change the world with signage…
Tights are an important accessory for many super hero costumes. Maybe it’s so we don’t have to see Super Man’s hairy legs, which are not so super.
Poor Frozone. His wife was constantly hiding his super suit in order to enjoy an evening out. If your wife hides your favorite clothes (whether it’s your fishing vest, or that really ugly plaid shirt you like to wear in public), then you’re in no shape to be a super hero.
Super heroes exceed the speed limit on a regular basis. They break into buildings, explode stuff on public thoroughfares and generally act like the vigilantes that they are… all for the greater good, of course. If you’re a stickler for the rules, super heroism isn’t for you.
Batman has a Batcave. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. You have a man cave in the garage. Lame.
And there’s a good reason for that. Really. We don’t want to see it.
It’s hard to have a Batmobile without a trust fund. And hard to build Iron Man suits without first building a billion-dollar defense contracting business. So if you’re not exposed to gamma radiation like the Hulk or bit by a genetically-altered spider like Spiderman, or sent to Earth from another planet like Superman, you’re going to need a bundle of cash.
Make a super hero angry, and he’ll jet off to save the world. Show him how to meditate and he… just sits there. If you’re into zen intervention to handle your anger, you’re going to make a pretty lousy super hero.
Monologuing is for villains, not super heros. Everyone knows that.
As a super hero, you need motivation. Maybe your parents or uncle got shot by a mugger. Or your girlfriend suffocated in her car. Or she got exploded in a warehouse while being held hostage. Without some major tragedy and death in your past, you’re out of luck.
And let’s be honest. This is the real issue for most of us, isn’t it? If you just can’t stop watching “The Bachelor” long enough to save the world, you’re going to be a pretty lousy super hero.